death and försäkringskassan

okej, It's finally 2008, the year when everything will be good again. (If I keep saying it maybe eventually I'll start believing it.) I'm in my sisters room trying to write an essay for my theoretical class, and I realise that I prefer writing in english, so the mix will continue. I woke up this morning after having dreadful nightmares, my parents were killed in a plane accident and then my very good friend also died in some kind of Noah's arc flooding situation. Then my grandma died... I hate the feeling of crying in your sleep and waking up feeling confused because it all felt so real, for a short period I was still not completely convinced it was all a dream.

So many things managed to happen during these two weeks that were supposed to be all about relaxing and gaining new energy to finish what i started in Barcelona, but things doesn't always turn out the way you plan. I feel so tired and the last couple of days my heart started rushing and it hurts from time to time. I accidently told my mother and now she is really worried. The thing is that my mother never worries, so when she does, it makes me scared. I'm sure it's nothing, I just feel so tired. I could sleep until april.

Also I began round two with Försäkringskassan, the swedish official insurance company, that eg make sure that you will be taken care of if you get ill abroad. I had this EU card that was lost when I was robbed. When I called them to get a new one, it turns out that they managed to loose my identity again. So, I don't exist in the swedish system. It's hard to explain, but these things just make me even more tired. Administrative fuck-ups doesn't go with my plan of being happier 2008. But after being very hard towards this incredibly stupid telephone lady, she promised to do "An investigation" on it. So hopefully by the time I'm back in Sweden I'll have my identity back.

Somehow I'm just so fed up with this image of the strong Sara. It's like everyone is relying on me to be able to handle everything, and that I'm tough. I want to scream that I'm not, I feel like being really childish and just lay down and cry or scream at stupid telephone ladies that don't understand that my identity crisis isn't gonna be better when they say that they can't find me in "the system".

2008 will be the year when I stop being "I can fix everything"-Sara. I can't, nobody can.